ThinkGeek :: Blurgh! The ThinkGeek Blog - HALP! Evil Kirk has taken Timmy hostage!

When we came into the office yesterday, evil Captain Kirk and his rag tag band of Tribbles had taken over the new arcade claw machine--and taken Timmy hostage inside! Witness ye the horror:

The worst part? Kirk says to save Timmy, we must declare him as the best captain ever. What will Picard think?

Timmy is usually the evil genius around here, so we're not quite sure how to handle this situation. We'll post updates here as events unfold.

UPDATE, 12/4 11:00 am: Timmy's still in evil Kirk's clutches, but the STTNG crew has been holding a clandestine meeting for the last hour or so, and apparently Spock's been sited near the claw machine. What could be afoot!?

UPDATE, 12/4 3:00 pm: Captain Picard and his team swing into action! But will they take evil Kirk down!?

UPDATE 12/4 11:00pm: Timmy is saved! Here's what happened: Timmy refused to cave to Kirk's demands and call him the best captain ever (as if), and we knew Kirk wouldn't back down as long as he was transfixed by his reflection in the claw machine's front panel. And unfortunately we don't have any green Barbies around the office. (Thanks for the suggestions, though!) So it all came down to Picard and his crew: Wesley, Data, Geordi, and a rogue band of facehuggers.

And Picard didn't even demand that Timmy call him the best captain ever. This may, in fact, make him the best captain by default. We'll let you decide.

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Comments

This is tribble-le to solve. Get yourselves 3 Barbies in bikinis. When Kirk sees them he'll forget all about his demands and Timmy. While Kirk is wooing the babes you slip Timmy out, then fry the machine, Barbies and all (the world can do with a few less Barbies).

Trials and Tribble-ations said this 800 days ago.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo timmy bit his wrist and take the phaser!

bonnechance said this 800 days ago.

I think Timmy is in on this whole thing, no way Kirk is smart enough to pull this all off on his own! I sense and evil genius monkey is up to something!

leopardcc said this 800 days ago.

Set up an EM field to disable the phaser! (Or you could just lock onto Timmy and beam him to safety, OR lock onto both and disable the phaser in mid-transport and re-materialize them separately.)

TribbleGeek said this 800 days ago.

It would probably work better if you spray-paint the Barbies green first.

Pamster said this 800 days ago.

Use the crane! His ego should be big enough to grab easily with it! :P

Trekker1 said this 800 days ago.

Agree with Pamster, green Barbies in silver foil bikinis will work just fine!

LadyC said this 800 days ago.

Simply yell to Kirk, "Hey! You lost your rug!" while pointing at the tribbles. While Kirk is busy looking for his lost hairpiece, or stuffing his head up a tribble's bottom, energize the Claw and use it to rescue Timmy.

BernieB said this 800 days ago.

We do not negotiate with terrorists. Send the best captain in to fix it, Captain Sisko.

Death Kitten said this 800 days ago.

Kirk is the better captain. Just say it and Timmy is free.

1701lover said this 800 days ago.

What will Picard think? Interesting. Anyone care what I think? Or are intelligent, authoritative women w/out social issues off your radar?

Capt.Janeway said this 800 days ago.

KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRK! *raises fist in the air*

Razorgirl said this 800 days ago.

When Timmy goes into Pon Farr, it'll all be over. Da-dum-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-dum-DA-DAA-DA!

GeekDad Ken said this 800 days ago.

hmm...illogical, this is clearly a no-win situation, and Kirk refuses to admit there are no-win situations...... send in the green Barbies with foil bikinis

mransr said this 800 days ago.

UPDATE: Timmy is still in evil Kirk's clutches, but there's some talk amongst the STTNG crew! We'll let you know what happens. (ALSO: Those of you who blame Timmy for this should be ashamed! Kirk lured him in with his greatest weakness--his insatiable hunger for caffeinated bananas!)

CarrieGouldin (ThinkGeek Staff) said this 800 days ago.

Green chicks are a great distraction for Kirk. So is Yeoman Rand. Please monitor and send pics. 0.o

Swader said this 800 days ago.

The green Barbies in foil bikinis might work, but what if it doesn't? Shouldn't we send in an army of Kirk hungry Zombies, and while Kirk is busy trying to blast them with the phaser, rescue Timmy with the claw.

Psychogeek said this 800 days ago.

Maybe Kirk just wants to live with common people? Maybe he wants to do whatever common people do? Maybe he wants to sleep with common people? He just wants to sleep with common people, like you??

Lady Lovelylocks said this 800 days ago.

@Lady Lovelylocks: But still, he'd never get it right. When he's lying in bed at night, watching roaches climb the wall, if he called his dad he could stop it all!

Easy answer. Just bring in Scotty and get him to explain to Kirk that you, as non-Federation civilians simply "Dinnaeh have tha powarrrrr!".

Jofa said this 800 days ago.

Call in Scotty! He an explain to Kirk that as non-Federation civilians you simply "Dinnaeh have the powerrrrr" to declare him the best captain, or jump to Warp 3

The solution is simple. Just slip a few grains of rice into the claw machine while Kirk isn't looking. In a few hours there will be so many tribbles in there that Kirk will have no choice but to give up or suffocate. If that doesn't work, just drop the claw on him.

LordGimmik said this 800 days ago.

No, he'll never live like common people, he'll never do what common people do. He'll never fail like common people and never watch his life slide out of view... He is James Tiberius Kirk! He will dance and drink and screw!

Lady Lovelylocks said this 799 days ago.

Stall him until the tribbles have filled the claw machine! My movie knowledge tells me that soon there will be so many that the top of the machine will pop right off without hurting anyone, and then you can sweep in quickly and arrest a newly apologetic Kirk. And the movies wouldn't lie to me, would they?

Lothcat said this 799 days ago.

Did you get him out yet? Maybe take out Kirk using the claw...

LordGimmik said this 799 days ago.

Please. Just remind Kirk there is Porn on the Holodeck. There is no universe in which Kirk is the "best captain ever". I can't even say that with a straight face.

StickyZebra said this 799 days ago.

...whereas Picard wishes he was Henry III, Janeway wears y-fronts and Sisko is just dumb.

I think Picard just needs to figure a way to outwit Kirk. (Barbie distraction sounding like the most likely case) Either that or just send in Firefly's Mal. He'd just shoot and ask questions later. Kinda like Kirk. :o) (we come in peace. shoot to kill. shoot to kill. shoot to kill.)

ladyhgiggle said this 799 days ago.

But grabbing him with the claw will only work if Kirk hasn't sabotaged the claw to minimum grabbing power! Go with the Green Barbies! He'll never suspect!

CornflakeJustice said this 799 days ago.

I am betting the Barbies will work, Kirk has an insatiable lust for the ladies. That or I'm betting on Worf and Data to take him down. Come to think of it, Deanna Troi could distract him while Worf and Data sneak up on him.....

LadyKiiri said this 799 days ago.

Have Deanna distract him with her Betazoid whiles while Worf and Data sneak up and grab him. He'll never see it coming.

We should give Kirk a red shirt. That'll put him in his place.

Anaklusmos said this 799 days ago.

Send in a mirror! He'll be to busy looking at himself to try to shoot Timmy. That, or show him the new Star Trek movie. He'll be pissed. (Seriously, that movie wasn't as good as the series)

Jys072595 said this 799 days ago.

It's quite simple, really. Timmy must use his evil ninja skills to take out both Kirk and Picard! Alternatively, someone could get Kirk in a headlock with the claw.

Dark Eagle said this 799 days ago.

Timmy! Fight, Timmy, fight for your life! I promise TG will give you bananas when you escape!

IRManGuy said this 799 days ago.

umm.. seeing as Kirk IS the best captain, I don't see what the problem was to begin with!!

HesDeadJim said this 799 days ago.

Most Illogical that no one even suggested the Vulcan Nerve Pinch!

Spock Of Vulcan said this 798 days ago.

WARNING: kirks large ego may cause a singularity to form, avoid at all costs!

leinad said this 794 days ago.

Whew! He's saved! Yay!

IRManGuy said this 791 days ago.

Picard IS the best captain!! >.<

chchainsaw said this 791 days ago.

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