Shane

Shane

shane at thinkgeek dot com

Historians speculate that Shane was born sometime in the year 3047, and eventually traveled back in time to become the founder of the popular sport of fish wrestling. Unfortunately, fish wrestling turned out to be far less popular than he anticipated, so he instead opted to open a Jiffy Lube franchise in the suburbs of Missoula, Montana. While this proved to be a very successful business venture, he yearned for more excitement in his life. He eventually sold the franchise to a young upstart named George Burns in 1983, setting out to become a professional go-kart driver.

Shane

Upon his arrival in Oklahoma City at the country's only go-kart driver training center, he was mocked by the other drivers, who refused to let him join in their reindeer games. Shane continued his training, despite the lack of respect from his peers, and was taken under the wing of one experienced driver by the name of Mr. Miyagi. Miyagi (commonly known as "Jim") was once the world's premier seahorse jockey, until he vowed to never return to the sport after a controversial call in a 1966 race against Mr. T (aired on ABC as "The Battle of the Misters"). His training was very intensive, and often made little sense (who likens go-kart driving to white washing a fence, anyway?), a fact that threw Shane for a loop more than once. After 7 years of hard training, Shane was set to make his debut on the race track, only to arrive on race day to find that he was too old to compete at this point. Interestingly enough, nobody was aware of his actual age, which at this point was negative 1057.

Feeling depressed, he moved to Los Angeles, and briefly played jazz flute for Guns N Roses. The band once recorded an epic demo version of "November Rain," which featured a 17 minute jazz flute solo, but the master tapes were lost in a tragic accident when the band's manager, Fred "Sweet Cheeks" Rogers, lost his beloved 1978 Pinto in an unexplained car fire. The band decided to disband, which was actually just a ploy to remove jazz flute from their sound. Upon hearing that the band was going to continue on without him, Shane finally hit rock bottom, spiraling downward into a horrible Snickers addiction. Friends and family lost touch for several years, though some believe he traveled back to the future and was elected to serve as the Prime Minister of Northern Greenland (this is unverified, and shall remain so until the future).

Finally resurfacing as a pretzel vendor in Central Park in 2005, Shane was briefly featured on MTV's "Road Rules," until he became fed up with their lack of juggling challenges, and left the show abruptly. He toured for a year as a back up dancer for Shakira, culminating in his award winning performance on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?", from which he walked away with a staggering $285.36. Sometime in 2007, he moved out of the Florida home he shared with film maker Ken Burns and professional wrestler Jake "The Snake" Roberts. He moved to Fairfax with his wife and dog, and took a job with ThinkGeek, where he currently handles the PR and marketing responsibilities.

Random facts about Shane, for use in Trivial Pursuit:

  • He was the two-time RBI leader in the American League in the mid-90s.
  • He was solely responsible for a small war which caused the separation of North and South Dakota.
  • His favorite color is mint chocolate chip.
  • He is the last of the famous international playboys.

Shane-approved links: